blue

i want you to know
i hate being your ex
i hate how i constantly remember how i left
i hate how i could never say anything against you
i hate how scared i was to do one simple thing
i hate how i acted
but i love you
i loved you then and i love you now
and my god
i've tried to move on
believe me.
i've tried a different relationship
but i broke it 
because that wasn't what i wanted
and it wasn't fair to him.
i've tried forcing myself away from you
but we have formed some connection that won't break
sometimes i praise it
sometimes i curse it 
because you know me better than anyone else-
even my person
who isn't even my person anymore. 
i've tried everything i can
but i cannot move on 
from you
and it fucking hurts me 
every single time you talk about her
because i know 
you're falling in love again
just not with me.

however
if the universe has more in store for us
if fate has other plans
if there's one more chapter in the book of you and i 
i want you to know
i'll love you right this time
i'll stay after your performances 
i'll wait for you
i'll talk to you more
i'll trust you more
and i'll accept what is my place and what isn't
and i'll understand your situation more with her
and i'll stop being jealous
wishing i was someone i'm not

but if you don't think
you could ever love me again
the way you once did
tell me now
so i can crush that fragile butterfly
before it gains too much hope
and flies away