anxiety attacks

sometimes it comes without warning.
other times
i can predict it, 
seeing the clouds
before the storm. 
but every single time
i dont like it. the way
my chest tightens
and i can't breathe, the way
my vision blurs
or sometimes narrows.
the way everything gets quiet
OR SOMETIMES TOO LOUD.

i dont like it.

sometimes it feels like i'm dying
or drowning in honey;
what a stupidly poetic way to die.
everything pulls you down.
you can't think straight.

sometimes you scramble for the light
other times you just go numb. 

i clench 
and unclench my hands into
tight fists when
things don't feel right anymore.
i clench
and unclench my hands into
tight balls when
the stormclouds finally invade my mind
instead of teasing me
or arriving unprepared.
but i can't say anything.
i can only keep quiet,
my paper-thin lips closed 
because no one will get it
even though my closest friends 
are three feet away. 

sometimes i want to scream
other times my voice-
my weapon and my words-
fails me.

so maybe it's better
for you and me and everyone else around
if i conceal
what is going on inside my head 
and how my brain
wants to tear me apart.