crisscross

three years ago.
three years I spent
your name on the tip of my tongue, traced down my throat,
washed out with bitter disbelief. 
I never paid you any attention during the first few days. 
you weren't quiet though. 

Really?
Even though we shattered? Even though we're not close?
Like a dangled carrot that I try not to stare at. 
I can't explain my regrets or relief. 

Fourty six dark days and disposable knights,
I struggle to stay above the surface.
Monotone pain and short lived delights,
I struggle to find a purpose. 

I would cut out my heart and wear it on my sleeve. 

I cry to the congregation, Hebrew enveloping my tongue.
Rasped and weak, yet I bellow, 
cradling my beast of religion. 
The sterling silver weight I branded on my chest prides me,

Water, you run through me. Suffocate and sweep my lungs.
my chipped nail polish canvassed against the curve of 
your spine. Cold taxi cabs, your hand on my thigh.
you cut me with your lethal words, and you dare
to kiss 

(more of a 2am rant than a poem- a little dramatic and unedited to fit how i was feeling)


If only i could artfully rest my scarred body in your arms
While you hold me, and tell me that we’re
okay.