Wishes and Hopes

I do not wish to turn back time. I don't wish to go back to when I was a kid and things were simple, chasing bugs, enjoying dirt, and playing with beyblades. I don't wish to move back to my childhood home, with the creaky floor boards and treehouse in the back. I don't want to go back and give up my sunny summer days to read more. Even if I still have to sound out big words. I don’t wonder how I’d feel today if dogs could live forever. Even at night I don't wonder why my bed is so empty. I don't wish I tried harder on that spelling test in second grade; I got an 11/15. I do not wish to go to 4th grade and tell my dad I'll keep going to church, as long as we can keep going to brunch at a diner after. I do not wish I tried harder to get him to move closer not farther. Or begged him to love me just a little longer.

I don't want to go back to 6th grade and apologize to my mom for all the stress I put on her. All the times I told her I hated her and yelled how she didn't understand what I was going through. I don't wish to go back to twelve year old me and tell her no one deserves that, tell her everything works out in the end. I don't wonder what was wrong with that senior back in freshman year, who told me I was different, but I do wonder what he said to the other six girls. I don't want to go back and tell freshman me we are all the same and no one is ‘different’. Or where I’d be now if I had just put in a little more effort in junior year, Chemistry specifically. I don't wish I participated more in group therapy. Or therapy in general for that matter. I don't wish I was able to open up without the fear of judgment or resentment of strangers.

I don't worry about the past because hope for a time machine is crazier than a green sky. Hope is a blanket of security we choose to wrap ourselves in when nothing else seems to be going our way. We hope for something better, even just for a minute. But the only true security we have is the memories and lessons we've gotten along the way. I don't wonder about endless details about my life because they've brought me to where I am now. Without these experiences I wouldn't be who I am now. Instead of wishing and wanting and hoping to go back in time, I choose my future.

 I choose to never treat someone the way I was treated at 12. I choose to not be that senior chasing freshmen. I choose to never beg for love - or apologies. I choose to live off the memories of failed relationships and not return to unhealthy expectations. I choose to try and make the world better instead of focusing on all the mistakes I made along the way. I choose to love people for the way they are instead of trying to make them into something they never wanted to be in the first place. I choose to live by respect and kindness for all no matter who they are, we are all living the human experience for the first time and no one should be expected to know everything without the experience.