the weight of maybe

sometimes you wonder why you are the way you are.

and you're not sure if it's just you being dramatic,

but you know that sometimes you feel like you’re

not good enough; that someone will always be better.

someone will always perform higher than you,

speak more articulately, get more awards than you,

have more friends than you, have better relationships

with their family than you, be better at your sport;

the sport that you based your whole life on.

sometimes, you wonder if you didn't do the things in your

life, that at the time you thought was right, would you be in 

a different predicament then you are in right now?

maybe you wouldn't be writing this, a remedy

for when you're struggling to get the words out 

when other people are always asking you “are you okay?”

maybe you would have learned how to start being quiet;

tired of being perceived as someone who you tried so hard 

to get away from.

maybe you would have the energy and the capacity not to “bed rot”.

maybe you wouldn’t dread having to go home just to end up having

some type of argument with your mother, with her saying how shes

“so tired”.

maybe you would learn how to think before you speak, 

not having some sort of “snarky remark” 

when someone says something you didn't like.

maybe you would learn not to be so afraid of the future, 

scared of what's in front of you,

scared of being a “nobody”, not having any purpose in life, 

and learn to just enjoy the present before it becomes a memory. 

maybe you learn to be a better, daughter, sister, student, niece;

and not be so mean to your family, when they’re just trying to 

understand you, and just be a part of your life.

sometimes, you wonder if it will ever get better.

that maybe four or five years later you’ll look back

on this piece of writing you made when you were a teen

and say, “i was just overreacting, it really wasn't that serious.” 

but you’ll always remember how you felt this specific day,

wishing that it all went away.