Real

*trigger warning: dysphoria
A short memoir on finding your truth

When you grew up thinking you knew yourself,
How it felt when you found out you'd been living inside an empty shell of fakeness,
When you look in the mirror and are displaced by the unrecognizable,
Are we really just confused?
When "she" is a reference to someone other than you,
How "she" jabs into your balance and sends self-acceptance to drown,
When "girl" is a painful reminder of the body you are trapped in,
How "daughter" makes you want to puke in disgust,
When "ladies" is not a symbol of matureness but a grimace to your soul,
How "her" does not belong to you but has been embossed on you like a cheap plastic serial number,
When "woman" should be a compliment but really just is a reminder of $8,000 top surgery,
And when all of these gendered terms don't agree with you like each use is a new splinter, a foreign contaminate that must be eliminated because it doesn't belong to you, 
When you first use they/them pronouns and suddenly you exist in one more way,
Are we really just being greedy and insecure?
How you often think how wonderful it'd be to be a strong proud woman but you just aren't and never have been,
When it feels as if your past has been lived by someone else,
How your starchest memories are wanting to be called a tomboy,
When you would cherish the joy of when someone mistook you for a boy,
How you forget "your name" as if it's the alias of a character you don't want to play,
When 9 years later you find a label that puts your life in clarity like looking through a magnifying glass,
How FTX, non-binary, and trans definitions embrace you like the first true warm hug of truth,
When you've finally found yourself and no one believes you,
How coming out feels like jumping off a tightrope unsure of whether you'll be caught safely or not,
When you find other people like you that brings the biggest grin to your changing face,
How you learn to accept your differences,
When you can love yourself for the real you no matter what other people assume,
How you find the people that love you for the person you actually are,
And maybe,
this isn't an accurate description of you personally,
becuase no one experience is universal,
and no label has a universal meaning to each individual,
and maybe you are the exact opposite of this,
or don't relate at all,
but whoever you are and whatever you identify as,
everyone deserves to reach the point where you can relate to those last few lines,
and know that you are loved, so much,
and I'm not alone in hoping that no matter what point you are at right now,
that you can persist and find a true reflection of yourself,
knowing that you are always supported and appreciated for being purely your incredible and unique self.