perhaps

perhaps i try to be positive for everyone
because i wished for someone like me
when i was in the depths of the void.

perhaps i try to treat my dog, bella, the best i can
because i wished i'd spent more time
with our late one, sasha.

perhaps i put all my efforts into cooking
because i wished i could remember all
the tastes from my childhood.

i'm a very regretful, scared person.
i'm scared i'll forget the good parts of life,
and spend all my time trying to remember
when i should be experiencing something new.

perhaps i keep my room as clean as i can
because i wished it had
always been that way.

perhaps i adore taking photos now
because before, all colors at had been flat,
grey, unseeable to me.

perhaps i apply myself so much to school
because i wished to make up for those
terrible, terrible years of middle school.

everything i do now
is based on something i've gone through
or am deeply afraid of.
and that's alright. i'm supposed to learn from the past.

perhaps i support people now
because i truly wished to
never be alone.

perhaps i hang out with my friends more
because i'd never seen a reason to
in the past.

perhaps i care so much more now
because i just couldn't
when i was younger.

the thing i don't regret, though
is being alive.
i can see the sunsets now,
their beauty and explosions of color.
i can wake up in the morning, refreshed
and ready to seize the day.
i can talk and make plans with my friends,
reaching for the future with our hands outstretched.

sometimes i feel as if i write too much on here.
but there's no such thing as too much writing, yeah?
it's kept me going throughout the years,
and i am eternally grateful to those that supported me along the way.
thank you all, so very, very much.

i plan to stick around for a hell of a lot longer.
even when i go to college, i'll be writing here.
i'll forever be a 'new writer', and that's completely okay.

perhaps i'm rambling now, for i've never
tried to let these thoughts out before.
it's good to let feelings out. always.