Name Game

I don’t like my name

not this one, the one I stole

from a great grandmother

I never met

the one I stole from

an Irish goddess

because hiding behind the roots

that aren’t really mine

is better than admitting

my real name

my real name

that my mom yells

when she’s mad

that is yelled

screamed 

condescended

my real name

six syllables of anger

that shocks me

when anyone else

says it

my real name

------ 

they call out

and I jolt at the sound

of a name

I know as my own

but is as unfamiliar

as a stranger’s

this name I’ve chosen

six syllables of fake

is safer than my real one

a name that isn't mine

until i decided 

that invisibility

anonymity 

is better than being known

by a name

I don’t like

I love my name

-theoretically-

beautiful, pretty

delicate as a flower

but not a shield

like this one

no barrier between

the character

and the creator

I like my name

the way those characters

whose names are sacred

like their names

for the select few only

for the rest

I am an author and nothing more

an Irish name on a page

with ‘by’ situated in front

and nothing behind it

at all

no past, just a present

and a future

and nothing to tie to it

not even a face

no regret

only ink

only words

never a person writing them