My Thoughts on Death

The concept of death is frightening to me but not in the way that it is for most people and it may make me sound callous or just cold, but I’m not scared of death itself exactly. My mind can’t really comprehend the concept of death really, it just doesn’t feel real and like it's made up. In reality what I’m really scared of is loss and the absence of either the person who died or what they brought to my life. Loss is something that my mind can comprehend and put meaning and feeling behind because it’s easy and not as complicated as death. Death is an abstract concept that doesn’t have a concrete aftermath besides just death, no one knows what happens when we die. Loss on the other hand is a concept but also an easy feeling to understand and comprehend at any age. Children and people like me can’t fully grasp death or its workings like some other people, but everyone knows what it's like to lose something or have something go missing from our lives. We can mourn a person, but what we’re really mourning is all the things we miss about them and we won’t see again, the loss of those feelings. It’s why some people’s deaths are sadder than others. I knew I should've been sad when my great grandpa and a school teacher died because one its family, but also because they were both people who were in my life and I interacted with, but I don’t end up feeling sad because the memories and moments where they were in my life weren’t extraordinary enough for me to fully place them in my mind. It’s not their fault and I still love great grandpa, but I don’t remember him. My only real memory of him isn't even of him, it’s of mom telling me that he died and I remember as a kid that I should've been sad but I just wasn’t. There wasn’t enough of an impact on my life to feel like I lost them or I lost something in my life. On the other hand, Uncle Jeff and all of my pets caused me great sadness when they died. They all were a huge part of my life, I saw my Uncle every holiday and even times between that and I saw my pets everyday. Their lives were a huge part of my life and when they passed, it left a huge gaping wound of loss. I was sad that they died of course, but that wasn’t the main reason why I felt such poignant sadness. I was sad because I’d never see them again, I’d never laugh with them again, I’d never play with them again, I would never again get to look into their eyes and know that everything was ok. I believe that’s why I get such vicious homesickness and always make sure my last text to my family is to tell them I love them, I’m scared of losing them and losing that impact on my life. My life isn’t my life without them and that’s why I struggle so much with death or more so, loss. I say “I Love You” so often I worry that those I tell it to take it for granted, but I want them to know how much they mean to me and how devastated I would be if they were no longer in my life. My “I love you”s are my safety net and when people say it back and I know they mean it, I know my life matters just as much to them as they matter to me and they would also be sad if I was gone. So while death scares me more than anything else, the feelings of utter loss and hopelessness that come afterwards is what I truly fear more than anything.