A Letter I Can't Send

oh darling, you'll never understand why i did what i did. I don't think i ever will either. i held on as long as i could. i would've held on longer, if i could stand lying to you. but i can't force myself to love you anymore, and in some ways i wish i had never even loved you at all. 

if i never loved you i wouldn't have hurt you. but you might be dead. i don't know. there's so much i don't know. one thing i do know is that i'm sorry. those words will never even begin to compensate for the harm i've done you, but i don't know how to fix it. maybe it isn't fixable. maybe i'm just broken. maybe my brokenness is like an infection. spreading to everything i touch. i wish i didn't love you. i wish i didn't love him. because i will inevitably stop loving them. for no reason i can understand. i wish i couldn't love. wish i couldn't feel.

i'm too young to hurt these people. i want to stop feeling, stop caring, stop loving.
but i'm cursed to hurt you. i'm sorry. i know i nearly killed you. and you will never blame me, which is what hurts the most. even behind your poison words, you don't hate me.
but i hate myself enough for the two of us.

i'm sorry.