The Journey in my Hole

My life became a dark hole, 
and instead of trying to escape, 
I started digging it deeper and deeper. 

At first I had a shovel
but people who loved me took it away, 
begging me to grab their hand and 
pull myself out. 

I turned from them, angry.
I started using my nails instead. 
I worked day and night for months.
 
I worked so hard my fingertips started to bleed. 
The hole got deeper and deeper, 
day by day. 

I was so focused on digging, 
I didn't even notice the people 
standing at the top screaming at me to stop. 

The blood spread from my fingertips to my whole hand. 
I kept on going as my hands got so red, swollen, and raw 
that I could barely feel them. 

But I had come so far. 
Too far to stop now. 
I thought if I kept digging it would somehow 
make things better. 

My progress started to slow, 
and it took an increasing amount of energy 
just to keep my eyes open
and my heart pumping. 

I was faint and delusional from
all the blood and energy I had expelled.
 
Still, I would not let myself rest. 
I kept pawing at the ground, 
determined to get deeper. 

Tears dripped down my face, 
relieving some of the excruciating pain filling my body. 
I didn’t even know why I was digging anymore. 
But I didn't know how to stop. 

I was so close to killing myself,
but I wasn’t even aware. 
Kids can dig holes right? 
I didn’t understand that most people didn't dig this deep. 

Occasionally I would look up and smile, 
Proud of how far I had come. 
I was so strong,
and I had proof. 

But the body can only endure so much,
and all the abuse I had been putting it through
had become too much. 

I had starved myself,
and was oddly proud of it.
I had turned my skin into a painful raw covering, 
and it also gave me an odd sense of satisfaction. 

Nothing in my life mattered anymore
except digging my hole deeper and deeper.

Finally, people who loved me realized 
that I didn't want to climb out of my hole. 
But they weren't willing to let me die
starved and alone. 

My mom dropped a ladder into my hole, 
And climbed down to me. 

We fought and fought. 
I wasn’t willing to climb out,
and she wasn’t willing to leave me. 

I had worked so hard though. 

I had achieved so much. 

And she was asking me to give it all up. 

“Why should I?” I thought. 

I couldn't even remember what life was like
before the hole.