tonight was not the same as other nights
and i think i like it.
tonight i finally voiced my questions
about who i was.
i just up and told my parents
that i don't think i have anxiety,
that i relate to no parts of the diagnosis
and have thought for a while
that most of the symptoms that have been dismissed as anxiety
could be better explained by a physical cause
and i want to find it.
i was concrete and i was sure
because i needed to be sure to say this.
i was worlds more articulate than i thought i would be
and they believed me.
i described the difference between
when i feel anxious
and when i'm lying awake doing square breathing at three o'clock in the morning and thinking about nothing and feeling my heart beat so hard and fast i think it'll explode out of my ribs
took into account my head rushes,
fatigue
low blood-sugar-induced microsleeps
and mood swings
and they believed me.
my mother said that i had never fit the profile of a person with anxiety.
she said she read my childhood problems which the psychologist said was anxiety
as deep discomfort plus sensory issues.
i'm going to have my hormone levels tested
and if that fails i'm going to try something else to see what could be causing this.
it'll be a long road,
full of needles and crying and bad days and middle-aged men who have no psychiatric experience and still tell me i have anxiety
but i'm going to get to the bottom of this.
i'm sixteen years old. it's 2019,
the earth is melting,
and my chemistry grade has gone down to a 77 which is unprecedentedly low.
but i've come just the littlest bit closer to understanding who i am and who i might be.
so i say that tonight
was a good night.
this is kind of, um... personal? i guess? i don't know i just had a lot of thoughts and wanted to get them out but it's definitely very personal. hence it being marked no to publishing and it's also really not a poem but it's kind of like the conclusion to all the identity crisis poems i've been writing lately so i felt like i should post it. just where my head is at i guess.
and i think i like it.
tonight i finally voiced my questions
about who i was.
i just up and told my parents
that i don't think i have anxiety,
that i relate to no parts of the diagnosis
and have thought for a while
that most of the symptoms that have been dismissed as anxiety
could be better explained by a physical cause
and i want to find it.
i was concrete and i was sure
because i needed to be sure to say this.
i was worlds more articulate than i thought i would be
and they believed me.
i described the difference between
when i feel anxious
and when i'm lying awake doing square breathing at three o'clock in the morning and thinking about nothing and feeling my heart beat so hard and fast i think it'll explode out of my ribs
took into account my head rushes,
fatigue
low blood-sugar-induced microsleeps
and mood swings
and they believed me.
my mother said that i had never fit the profile of a person with anxiety.
she said she read my childhood problems which the psychologist said was anxiety
as deep discomfort plus sensory issues.
i'm going to have my hormone levels tested
and if that fails i'm going to try something else to see what could be causing this.
it'll be a long road,
full of needles and crying and bad days and middle-aged men who have no psychiatric experience and still tell me i have anxiety
but i'm going to get to the bottom of this.
i'm sixteen years old. it's 2019,
the earth is melting,
and my chemistry grade has gone down to a 77 which is unprecedentedly low.
but i've come just the littlest bit closer to understanding who i am and who i might be.
so i say that tonight
was a good night.
this is kind of, um... personal? i guess? i don't know i just had a lot of thoughts and wanted to get them out but it's definitely very personal. hence it being marked no to publishing and it's also really not a poem but it's kind of like the conclusion to all the identity crisis poems i've been writing lately so i felt like i should post it. just where my head is at i guess.
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