And there I sit on the sticky leather couch, turning on the tv and trying to click to the news station. Frames of different shows flash by while trying to find the channel, depicting an odd arrangement of colors flashing throughout the room. I have never cared for the news, but anything to get my head off of the events that happened 2 weeks ago. But alas it's not so easy to repress something like that. She just left like that, even taking my daughter, what a woman. She left just because of how selfish she is, I can't believe I ever married her. Now I can't even see my daughter again. But what if they left because-
“No no no it’s not my fault, they’ll come back, I didn't do anything to them. They’re just ungrateful.”
I clutch my head and bent my torso forwards, having my elbows resting on my knees as I became more stiff and shaky.
They can't be gone, what did I even do, how did I deserve any of this.
Failing down onto the ground realizing now I can't keep on lying to myself on this.
I can’t ever bring them back now, it is all my fault, I did all this, I drove them away, I'm the reason why they left. I hurt them, I abused them, I caused them pain not even the lowest scum in history would condemn, I made their life miserable. I’m a terrible father, I’m a terrible spouse.
Noises of the news reporter flooding out my weeps and sorrow, her voice so serene, but her words less than pleasant to hear. Raising my head facing the television, seeing how its soft light covers the dusk area around me, and how the teal floral curtains danced back and forth because of the wind. Scanning the room for anything else to get my mind off, I see my daughter’s stuffed animal, the one I bought for her 8th birthday. The small pink rabbit sat on the edge of the ottoman, so close to the edge it could have fallen any minute now. Its pale pink fur and glass eyes reminded me of my despair again.
Why did I do all of that, why did I have to do that, why again was I so selfish.
More thoughts bombarded my head.
It’s too much, I can't do this anymore, it’s too much, I deserve all of this…
A warm light pierced through the cracks of my eyes, waking me up. Opening my eyes slightly more and now find out I'm not in the living room anymore. As my eyes slowly get used to the large shift in brightness, I just now realize a ringing in my ears, not too loud, but loud enough to be annoying.
Was this all a dream?
With that thought popping into my head, having had the chance that might be true, I rushed to find my phone to confirm that it is. Frantically feeling around the white comforter and pillows, I touch the smooth cooling surface of the glass. Cupping my phone in my hands, I push the home bottom almost violently. And started scrolling through my contacts. Until I spotted the one saying “Wife”. Small breezes brush onto my skin from the open window on my right. My finger softly taps the glass and…
A shaky whisper escaped my mouth.
“It wasn’t a dream”
Everything seemed to fall silent, no noise dared to speak, in my mind at least. The ringing became deafening in my ears and the breeze didn’t feel like a breeze anymore. Time has stopped and the only thing I can do is to see that message.
“I’ve tried to stay with you for all these years, but I just can't deal with it anymore. It’s better for all of us. I want my daughter to have a better life, and this means it’s not with you, we’ve caused so much pain for both of us. Please don't try to reach out to us and just accept this last message and continue in your life. Goodbye”
The pain of death would even be better than this because with death you don't have to be bound to the stress of life and the results of your actions. With death, your soul is at least in peace, without the curse or blessing to think and reflect. But now I'm alive, and now I have to see that they’re all gone, and all because of me. I lay back down on the bed I used to share with my wife, the bed my daughter would jump on to wake us up, and close my eyes hoping they would never open again.
And that was the moment when I knew it had all flown out of my reach.
“No no no it’s not my fault, they’ll come back, I didn't do anything to them. They’re just ungrateful.”
I clutch my head and bent my torso forwards, having my elbows resting on my knees as I became more stiff and shaky.
They can't be gone, what did I even do, how did I deserve any of this.
Failing down onto the ground realizing now I can't keep on lying to myself on this.
I can’t ever bring them back now, it is all my fault, I did all this, I drove them away, I'm the reason why they left. I hurt them, I abused them, I caused them pain not even the lowest scum in history would condemn, I made their life miserable. I’m a terrible father, I’m a terrible spouse.
Noises of the news reporter flooding out my weeps and sorrow, her voice so serene, but her words less than pleasant to hear. Raising my head facing the television, seeing how its soft light covers the dusk area around me, and how the teal floral curtains danced back and forth because of the wind. Scanning the room for anything else to get my mind off, I see my daughter’s stuffed animal, the one I bought for her 8th birthday. The small pink rabbit sat on the edge of the ottoman, so close to the edge it could have fallen any minute now. Its pale pink fur and glass eyes reminded me of my despair again.
Why did I do all of that, why did I have to do that, why again was I so selfish.
More thoughts bombarded my head.
It’s too much, I can't do this anymore, it’s too much, I deserve all of this…
A warm light pierced through the cracks of my eyes, waking me up. Opening my eyes slightly more and now find out I'm not in the living room anymore. As my eyes slowly get used to the large shift in brightness, I just now realize a ringing in my ears, not too loud, but loud enough to be annoying.
Was this all a dream?
With that thought popping into my head, having had the chance that might be true, I rushed to find my phone to confirm that it is. Frantically feeling around the white comforter and pillows, I touch the smooth cooling surface of the glass. Cupping my phone in my hands, I push the home bottom almost violently. And started scrolling through my contacts. Until I spotted the one saying “Wife”. Small breezes brush onto my skin from the open window on my right. My finger softly taps the glass and…
A shaky whisper escaped my mouth.
“It wasn’t a dream”
Everything seemed to fall silent, no noise dared to speak, in my mind at least. The ringing became deafening in my ears and the breeze didn’t feel like a breeze anymore. Time has stopped and the only thing I can do is to see that message.
“I’ve tried to stay with you for all these years, but I just can't deal with it anymore. It’s better for all of us. I want my daughter to have a better life, and this means it’s not with you, we’ve caused so much pain for both of us. Please don't try to reach out to us and just accept this last message and continue in your life. Goodbye”
The pain of death would even be better than this because with death you don't have to be bound to the stress of life and the results of your actions. With death, your soul is at least in peace, without the curse or blessing to think and reflect. But now I'm alive, and now I have to see that they’re all gone, and all because of me. I lay back down on the bed I used to share with my wife, the bed my daughter would jump on to wake us up, and close my eyes hoping they would never open again.
And that was the moment when I knew it had all flown out of my reach.
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