Happy 18th

If 18 wasn't such a silly number,
if I had savored years before,
now that bounds have broken,
I'm left with the regret of hindsight.
No more walking through the halls.
No more soft and fumbled numbers.
I stand with two feet rigid,
as if the chair was pulled beneath me.
I trained restlessly for this moment,
happy smile, strong mind.
I didn't realize how hard the blow would come,
the knowledge of those sandcastles,
built years ago, and now melted back into sand.
My mind is hardened.
I'm not sure exactly what to feel,
if not lost, then confused,
if not broken, then disarranged.
To what end did this take me?
One that doesn't feel true, but yet,
throws me further away from safety.