By Lily Kim Besaw
Here I am. Zooming down the deserted highway on my beat-up motorcycle at 4:19 am. The tip of the sun just peeking out through the trees as the fog snakes its way across the ground. The growling of the engine fills the air as the acrid scent of gasoline makes my eyes water and my throat burn. Wind whips through my long curls and I can feel my motorcycle vibrating beneath me. The sound of my breathing rasps audibly in my helmet and yet… My mind feels quiet. Too quiet. Like the eye of the hurricane. The calm before the storm. The moment before the dam bursts and the waves come crashing down, washing everything away.
And I can already feel myself slipping. As if the pieces of myself don’t quite line up and are beginning to tilt and fracture. Who knew silence could be so suffocating? Squeezing tightly until there is nothing left. Or worse, if you can’t recognize what’s left.
Suddenly, a path opens up in the looming trees lining the edge of the road. On impulse, I veer sharply, plunging into darkness. I twist and turn along the bumpy dirt path, my motorcycle hitting stones and roots. The hammering of a woodpecker sounds in the distance, echoing through the leaves. A speck of light grows bigger as I approach, the rays of the rising sun blinding me as I slip out into the open. I hop off my motorcycle and tuck my helmet under my arm, surveying the clearing before me.
I am standing at the base of a hill stretching out in front of me. Drops of dew cling to the grass as they dance in the breeze with small flower buds just beginning to bloom swaying beside them. Standing still makes me even more aware of the emptiness plaguing me. I let my helmet fall to the ground behind me as I suddenly start to dash up the hill, trying to escape. Escape myself.
I reach the top of the hill panting and slump onto the ancient elm tree stump in front of me. The sun illuminates the sky a soft purple and red and I close my eyes letting its rays spill over me. I don’t know how long I stay like that but when I open my eyes again the sun has risen higher into the clear blue sky. I breathe in and the remaining vacantness inside me settles, but it doesn’t feel constricting anymore. The silence finally feels full.
Here I am. Zooming down the deserted highway on my beat-up motorcycle at 4:19 am. The tip of the sun just peeking out through the trees as the fog snakes its way across the ground. The growling of the engine fills the air as the acrid scent of gasoline makes my eyes water and my throat burn. Wind whips through my long curls and I can feel my motorcycle vibrating beneath me. The sound of my breathing rasps audibly in my helmet and yet… My mind feels quiet. Too quiet. Like the eye of the hurricane. The calm before the storm. The moment before the dam bursts and the waves come crashing down, washing everything away.
And I can already feel myself slipping. As if the pieces of myself don’t quite line up and are beginning to tilt and fracture. Who knew silence could be so suffocating? Squeezing tightly until there is nothing left. Or worse, if you can’t recognize what’s left.
Suddenly, a path opens up in the looming trees lining the edge of the road. On impulse, I veer sharply, plunging into darkness. I twist and turn along the bumpy dirt path, my motorcycle hitting stones and roots. The hammering of a woodpecker sounds in the distance, echoing through the leaves. A speck of light grows bigger as I approach, the rays of the rising sun blinding me as I slip out into the open. I hop off my motorcycle and tuck my helmet under my arm, surveying the clearing before me.
I am standing at the base of a hill stretching out in front of me. Drops of dew cling to the grass as they dance in the breeze with small flower buds just beginning to bloom swaying beside them. Standing still makes me even more aware of the emptiness plaguing me. I let my helmet fall to the ground behind me as I suddenly start to dash up the hill, trying to escape. Escape myself.
I reach the top of the hill panting and slump onto the ancient elm tree stump in front of me. The sun illuminates the sky a soft purple and red and I close my eyes letting its rays spill over me. I don’t know how long I stay like that but when I open my eyes again the sun has risen higher into the clear blue sky. I breathe in and the remaining vacantness inside me settles, but it doesn’t feel constricting anymore. The silence finally feels full.
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