The leaves are dying. I know there is a future for them, even if it is months away. I would like to believe that there is some future where I will not be sick all the time. For me, it’s hard to believe in a different state when it often feels like my family is asking for healing, but it never seems to come. If God has divine power, why is He letting these things happen to me in the first place?
A year and half ago, I remember wishing mass would be over because I had severe stomach pain. Little did I know that the same stomach pain would worsen and wreak havoc in my life for months to come.
That was Easter Sunday, 2023. This Spring, my family and I went to mass again, and I was filled with anxiety about the change of seasons as all my bad memories from that time were rising in the back of my mind.
Every couple months, my life gets put on hold. I either get injured or severely sick. This past summer, all my friends were able to go to the beach and spend time together while I laid rotting in my bed. While everyone else was tanning and happy, I was sickly thin with dull eyes, my stomach covered in burn marks from my heating pad instead of tan lines. Although it sounds mean and selfish, I reached a point where it was hard not to wish that sickness would happen to someone else next time instead of me because it feels like my suffering will never stop.
Because of my illnesses, I have struggled with my personal relationship with God. It is easy for me to feel like He isn’t there (or at least wasn’t listening) when I would pray for healing and continued to remain seriously ill. Even when I am not sick, I spend a lot of time wondering why it seems like so many health issues happen to me.
I would like to believe in God, and I do, in some sense, because I pray. There is still a hope that my prayers will be answered. And in some ways, they are. My Grandma is Catholic and she tries to tell me that God has a bigger plan for me to explain my suffering. She has been Catholic her whole life. Despite this, I would still hear her tell my Mom that she would go to church and then leave, so upset that I was still sick, because all the prayers she set up in my name didn’t do anything. She even gave me religious statues, like the Holy Mother, who I keep beside my bed. (Honestly, the main reason I keep it there is because my Grandmother gave it to me. The other reason why is that I was so sick, that I was desperate for anything to heal me.)
Something will be wrong with me for months, and when I finally heal, my Grandma, who would be so frustrated, then praises God for being good. But then I think, is He good if He made me sick for so long? If it will happen again in another two to three years, then what is she praising? I can’t understand why she praises God for healing me after I was suffering for months on end.
My mom is Catholic, too. At first, she said the same things as my grandmother, but then she came up with logical reasons, like improving my diet. It came to the point where she was questioning her faith, too. My mom and I were both trying to find rational explanations, and we were both doubting God. Every time I am ill, my Mom is upset at God.
My Grandmother still praises God when I am healed because from her perspective, God is saving me from the illness. He is not the one making me sick; He is the one saving me from remaining sick. Although this could be a possibility, I don’t think I would ever be able to accept that because my whole life has been changed by these traumatic experiences. Every time I get better, we praise God. But when I think about everything that has happened to me, it’s hard to maintain my belief.
When I feel better, I am grateful that I am feeling better, but for me, there is a lot of resentment that it happened in the first place because it shouldn’t have. If there is a Being with divine power, I feel like it was unfair of them to put me through this because I think I am a good person. Why am I suffering when others deserve it more?
I would like to believe there is a higher purpose to why these things happen. I see that people who have suffered become great. While this is a comforting thought, I wish that my life was as convenient as others’; I wish I didn’t have to carry around medicine all the time or get shots once a week. If I had to help someone who was suffering, the only thing I could offer would be to listen to them and validate their problems instead of trying to give them an answer for everything, which can be really frustrating, as is often what religion does.
However, on my 2024 Easter Sunday, I was grateful to be sitting in church without pain. I thought about how much my life has changed since last year. Easter is a holiday that celebrates life over death. I’m not sure if I believe in the resurrection, but I do believe in trees. They are their most beautiful when the leaves are dying, falling, and covering the ground. And I know all that green Life will return in the Spring; I don’t doubt that their leaves will come back.
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