5 years ago

5 years ago I was in 5th grade 

My "friend" told me I had a weird laugh 

I was too scared to laugh after that 

Today I am a sophomore in high school 

My friends tell me I have the most genuine laugh they have ever heard 

I laugh as much as I want to now 

Which is a lot 

5 years ago my favorite color was teal 

It was a part of my identity 

From the teal shorts that I wore 

To the blueprint of my new and improved freshly painted teal room 

The plan was already drawn out on construction paper 

And presented to my parents 

Today my favorite color is green

It is a part of my identity 

From the green nail polish that I wear so often

I have had to repurchase  

To the multitude of plants that are scattered around my room 

Now I hate teal

5 years ago I craved academic validation 

Always worried about exceeding at everything 

Letting the numbers written at the top right corners of papers 

Define me 

I never knew why grades made me so anxious 

Today I still crave academic validation 

Even more than before 

Obsessing over GPAs and the future 

Things I didn't even know I was supposed to worry about 

Until 2 years ago 

I still don't know why grades make me so anxious  

5 years ago I was scared of love 

It all seemed so impossible 

The entire idea was too far-fetched to be real 

Today I am in love 

It is not impossible 

It is real

And it is not scary 

5 years ago I was afraid of how people perceived me 

Too afraid to wear the summer dresses hanging in my closet 

That I so desperately wanted to put on and dance around in

Paranoid of the mean things people would say

Today I am not as afraid of how people perceive me 

Still scared to wear the summer dresses hanging in my closet 

But not as much as before 

I have danced around in a few of them

My friends danced along with me 

No one said anything mean 

5 years ago my favorite animal was a dolphin

I was fascinated by the way they moved 

And the high-pitched squeaks they make to communicate 

They move in groups called pods

Today my favorite animal is a pig 

Which was my favorite animal 10 years ago

I like how they are pink and lie in the mud to cool down 

I especially like the oinking noises that they make 

I do not know what a group of pigs is called 

5 years ago I hated my freckles 

I hated the way they were messily scattered across my nose and cheeks

Everyone always thought I was much younger than I actually was 

I blamed my freckles 

Today I don't mind my freckles 

I like the way they are messily scattered across my nose and cheeks

If you look closely they resemble constellations in the night sky 

Now everyone always thinks I am older than I am 

I have realized my freckles are completely unrelated 

To the age people assume when looking at me 

5 years ago I didn't know who I was yet 

I waited for it to happen 

As if there would suddenly be a moment 

Where a wave of self-discovery struck me 

Today I am still not sure of who I am 

I don't think I ever will 

There was never a wave of self-discovery that struck me

I have learned some things 

I am more extroverted than I am introverted 

I used to think it was the other way around 

I love jeans 

I used to think they would be uncomfortable to wear 

I'm not sure why 

And it is better to talk about your emotions 

Then bottle them up until you explode 

I learned that one the hard way

5 years ago I dreamed of being a high schooler  

A high schooler who had a thriving social life 

And a good sense of style

Today I want to be a 5th-grader again 

The same 5th grader who dreamed of dancing in summer dresses 

She was too scared to wear