If every girl

Looked liked a boy

Acted like a boy

Was a boy

Would we get farther

In life

Would we be respected

If every woman

Was a man

Would we be valued

Would we be able

What if

I could be a real actor

What if

It doesn't matter if my name sounds like a big-movie-star name?

What if I'm delusional?

What if I don't really care?

If only it was because  

you were fifteen  

and I was thirteen  

but it wasn’t.  

Not really.  

If only i had smiled differently,
worn a different skirt, a longer one,
if i had stayed quiet, let him win,
shrunk smaller, been easier to touch,
been harder to hurt, laughed when i wanted to cry,
cried when i wanted to scream.

If only I loved a little less hard.

Did not stay up at night,

Worried that I hugged the wrong person

Or smiled at someone who talked badly about me when I left the room.

If only I loved a little less hard.

If … I can't help but replay that one moment over and over in my head…The “if only”... echoing, bouncing around like a voice echoing against the walls of the grand canyon, empty…”if only”.

If only I’d never met you

If only I had been stronger

If only I had seen sooner

Just how abusive you are

If only I hadn’t let you

Turn my life to ruin

If only I hadn’t tried

If I had nine lives, I would spend the first one jumping from a tall mountain, the wind in my hair, and filling my lungs, the full feeling of freedom. After that, maybe I'd find peace and wouldn’t fear the mountains.

If only I had that strength then things would have been different.

We would still share a home,

Memories that we once shared 

With laughter and love